


Mementos

by NeuralBlock



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Non-Blind Doctor, Post-Episode: s09e12 Hell Bent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-22
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-03 17:17:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10971795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeuralBlock/pseuds/NeuralBlock
Summary: The Doctor, Bill and Nardole are floating through the time vortex, recovering from another intense adventure. Saving the universe was tiring work and they all needed a little break.However, The Doctor doesn't like to be kept in one place for too long. Instead of sitting and relaxing like his companions, he wanders the TARDIS, following the trail of fragmented and lost memories from a woman he lost at the end of time.





	1. Relaxation Time

_"Who could have guessed that the Zarbi wanted to invade Neptune? I didn't think that they had the technology to make it this far from their home planet."_

 

The Doctor strode into the TARDIS, gesticulating with his hands as he began to explain the history of the Zarbi - his eyebrows rising as he described his previous encounters with the ant-like creatures. Bill and Nardole followed him inside, shutting the door behind them and rolling their eyes at The Doctor's ceaseless energy. Despite Nardole's protests that The Doctor shouldn't leave the university again after their last trip, The Doctor had locked the doors of the TARDIS and flown away, deciding to stay within the galaxy instead of being restricted to Earth. So they had ended up on Neptune and whisked into an adventure filled with the Zarbi, lasers and falling meteorites. Bill had loved every second of it, The Doctor had loved showing off the wonders of the universe to her and Nardole was just thankful that nobody had gotten hurt (except the several astronauts who were squashed by the meteorites).

 

_"Doctor, as cool as those giant ants were, I am exhausted and would just like to spend a bit of time relaxing. So I'm going to read a book, do what you want."_

 

The Doctor frowned, his bottom lip jutting out as he pouted. His infamous eyebrows drew closer together, creating a facial expression that Bill assigned the meaning of 'sad puppy who wants to continue adventuring through space'. Giving him a quick smile, she patted him on the shoulder and said:

 

_"You know I'd love to be travelling every second of every day but I'm human, remember? I don't wear fancy collars and capes like you and all your "Time Lords" do. That also means that I need to sleep, eat, drink and take breaks every so often. If it makes you feel any better, I'll read one of the books about space you set me for the next essay."_

 

Running his hand through his silver locks, The Doctor nodded and waved Bill away - muttering under his breath and pudding brains and their weakened immune systems. He didn't like talking about his people, even though he now knew that Gallifrey was back in the sky. Glancing downwards, he noticed that his fists were now clenched although he had no memory of ever doing so. Why was he angry all of a sudden? What was he missing? His head ached as if he was repeatedly punching a wall within his mind. All he remembered from Gallifrey was that she had told him something important in the Cloisters but he couldn't remember what. The rest of their time on his home planet was missing from his mind.

 

_"Are you alright Sir? You look... lost."_

 

The Doctor turned to see Nardole staring at him, concern in his eyes. Although he could be a pain, Nardole always wanted what was best for him. Even if he wasn't a fan of the best option. He gave his friend a fake smile and responded with:

 

_"Perfectly fine! Just planning out where we are going to go next. I know you don't want to leave Earth but how about we go visit a famous historical figure. I'll let you pick?"_

 

Nardole chuckled before walking off, muttering about the vault under his breath but he had a smile playing on his lips. He enjoyed travelling as much as the next person but he was also painfully aware of the importance of the promise they were supposed to be keeping. 

 

_"Snap out of it Doctor. Distract yourself."_

 

The Doctor moved away from the console as if distancing himself would stop the onslaught of emotions that were crushing him under their weight. Grief, loss, sorrow and longing all fought for dominance in his mind, all these emotions so deeply tied to a woman he couldn't even remember. The waitress had been her, he was certain but he had never seen her again - no matter how hard he tried to track her down. It was as if he had concocted the whole experience as a way of coping with what he had lost. Leaving the control room, he wandered down the endless corridors that made up his home. He ignored the swimming pool, Bill's bedroom and Nardole's workshop. Instead, he found his way to the library. He had always adored reading, with his collection being one of the best in the universe, outside of The Library of course. Though he hoped his library had less Vashta Nerada than the planet itself.

 

Wandering around the library, he climbed up a couple of floors - his feet unconsciously leading him to the Earth Literature section. His fingers trailed gently across the covers of books, his lips mouthing the names of the authors as he tried to decide what to read. Moby Dick? Definitely not, it took too long to get to the whale. Christmas Carol? Maybe after Bill had met a few ghosts. The thought of ghosts caused a flash of pain to spike through The Doctor's mind, a memory trying to claw it's way past the wall that the neural block had created. Was Clara a ghost? Did they fight ghosts together? Tugging his curls, he frowned that deep, angry frown that Bill joked was his happy expression. She'd been so excited, longing for more adventures and planets. Yet some of the places he wanted to show her, he couldn't go to for some reason. His heart ached like a knife had been stabbed into it and was slowly being twisted around - each second that his thoughts lingered on what those planets used to mean to him.

 

Shaking his head, he picked up a random book from the shelf and sat down to read it - nestling himself in the armchair. The cushion was slightly dusty as he hadn't been here in a while, causing his nose to wrinkle as it itched. Rubbing his nose on the edge of his sleeve to remove the dust, he opened the book with the other hand - deliberately reading slowly so he could have an hour's peace and quiet in another world. Speed reading had its benefits but since he had to wait for Bill and Nardole to have their 'relaxation time', he might as well kill some time. Flicking through the acknowledgements, he got to the first line of the book - prepared to heavily judge the book based off of it. First lines were meant to grab your attention, suck you in and make you eager to read the rest of the story. A bit like how he got most of his companions to enter the TARDIS for the first time. Maybe he should pen a few books, he was pretty sure he could do better than most pudding brains who took several hundred pages to get to the main plot point of the book. He read the first line aloud in as condescending a voice as he could muster:

 

_"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."_

 

Frowning at the familiarity of the line, he turned over the book gently as if the paper would fall apart in his hands. The title stared him in the face,  _Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen._ He chuckled, Jane Austen was a quite fun person to spend time with. He befriended her decades ago and still popped in for tea every couple of months, though he hadn't been to visit in a while. Maybe he should remedy that. Hopefully, Nardole would pick her to go visit instead of some boring military general like Napoleon, he'd like to see how Bill got on with her. Turning the book back over, he continued reading, scoffing occasionally at the character's erratic and illogical behaviour - making dramatic claims that he would never act like they did. What idiot would insult the woman he loved? Why didn't the character's make their own decisions instead of allowing their family and friends to influence them so heavily? 

 

_"These characters are beloved throughout literature yet they are so stupid! I swear, even the Adipose could take them in a fight. Wait, what's this?"_

 

In the margins on every page, there were small scribbles in black ink. The writing was relatively neat but the words had faded slightly over time and were written in tiny writing. Squinting, he couldn't make out what all of it said but the general gist seemed to be that whoever had written in this book was very fond of Jane Austen. There were various compliments about the syntax and writing techniques used, with specific lines underlined as if they had significance to the owner of the book. Why was this in his library? None of his companions had really been into Jane Austen, had they? Even if they were, why would they leave their copy on the TARDIS instead of at home? Unless... the TARDIS was their home. Could it be... Clara's? She liked English! No. No, wait. She was an English teacher! That was it! Placing the book to one side, he dashed out of the library and back to the console room - searching for his smaller blackboard. It was tucked down the side of a bookshelf. Pulling it out, he added the newly remembered information to the blackboard before he forgot it and stood back, grinning with pride at his growing collection of information about his former companion. She had been very important to him, no, she still was very important to him. He had to honour what was left of her memory.

 

_"Uh, Doctor? Are you okay?"_

 

He turned to see Bill standing halfway up the staircase, looking at him with empathy in her eyes. Frowning, he nodded, confused at why Bill would think he wasn't alright. She voiced her thoughts quite quickly, recognising The Doctor's confused face faster than any of his other ones.

 

_"You're crying Doctor."_

 

Placing a finger on his cheek, he was surprised when it came back wet with tears that were flowing down his face. Why was he crying? How much had this Clara meant to him? What had she told him in the cloisters? Why were they on Gallifrey together? Why had he just moved on with his life as if she had never been a part of it? Shaking his head, he tried to snap himself out of this darkening mindset - not wanting to inflict his demons on Bill. Sure, Bill trusted him but she deserved to be happy and to enjoy these adventures, not to deal with his baggage. Yet he couldn't stop the tears from flowing. As they streamed down his face, the pain in his head grew stronger and sharper, like needles were slowly being pushed further and further into his brain. Hissing in agony, he shoved the blackboard back into his hidey hole and staggered to his feet. He made his way back to the console, inputting a random set of coordinates and slamming the lever down, letting the TARDIS take them away. Dots danced on the edge of his vision and the floor came up to meet him, his unconscious body landing on the metal grating. Shouting for Nardole, Bill knelt by his side and checked his pulse - unsure of what to do. He seemed relatively healthy when they came back from their time on Neptune, so what was wrong? The sound of whispers caught her attention and she leant closer to the Doctor to hear what he was saying:

 

_"Clara. Clara, my Clara."_

 

A soft and knowing smile crept onto Bill's face as the words reached her ears. He had fallen for someone. So the question was, where was she now? That question would have to wait until the Doctor was awake again. Whenever that would be.

 

 


	2. Wardrobe Malfunction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill was getting used to The Doctor crashing her dates, despite every complaint she made. However this time, her date had been interrupted and her clothes and makeup are ruined. Her hunt for makeup and clothes throws some unexpected issues in the mix...

" _Doctor! I'm meant to be on a date right now, I can't go back to Jennifer looking like this."_

Glancing up, the Doctor frowned. Sure, Bill's face wasn't as coloured it in as it normally was but that was no reason to be upset. It's not like she needed to look younger anyways. Plus, she already had gotten a date from Jennifer, so there was less need to impress now. Although Bill had been really excited for this date so maybe he shouldn't ruin it, he thought. He shrugged and responded:

 

_"If you really need to fix your face, use the monitor - if you ask nicely the TARDIS will load up a mirror for you. She seems to like you, even though you did mistake her for a kitchen."_

 

Bill chuckled quietly, swinging the monitor towards her and muttering a word of thanks to the time machine. Digging around in her purse, she searched for her eyeliner. The problem with adventures with the Doctor was that he tended to drag her into situations that not even waterproof makeup could withstand. She could find her lipstick, her blusher and her foundation but no eyeliner. She gave an exasperated sigh which the Doctor picked up on.

 

_"Why are you exhaling dramatically? What did I miss?"_

 

Bill shook her head at him, part of her still annoyed at the loss of her eyeliner (that had cost her a week's wages in the university's kitchens), whilst the other part of her was trying not to laugh at the Doctor's confused face. When he was confused, his eyebrows tended to go a bit haywire.

 

_"I'm missing my eyeliner. I think that strange potato creature confiscated it from me when you got us imprisoned. A bit of a shame, I liked that one. Do you have any lying around? I'm joking!"_

 

The Doctor scoffed at Bill's attempts at humour, ignoring her predictable human description of the Sontarans that had attacked the TARDIS crew earlier that day. She was probably still annoyed that he had interrupted her date but it was for a good cause. He couldn't save the world without someone to impress. What was the point of having companions if not to impress them? He was about to reply and correct her alien terminology when Nardole chipped in from the other side of the console:

 

_"There's a bunch of spare makeup upstairs for some reason. Although you may want to go get cleaned up first - your jacket is covered in goop from those Sontarans. Not sure how you would explain that to Jennifer."_

 

Bill looked down at her jacket, horrified to see several yellow stains and chunks of alien flesh clinging to the fabric. Holding back the urge to vomit, she jogged out of the console room to the wardrobe - trying to recall the route to it, apart from the fact it was past the bins. Nardole and the Doctor watched her go, the primary smirking in amusement whilst the other had a strange expression on his face. The Doctor moved from his place at the console and wandered up the stairs, his eyes scanning the various surfaces in search of the cosmetics that Bill required. Why were they in his TARDIS? He didn't use it. At least not for the last few faces.

 

Nardole watched the Doctor closely as he walked along the top floor. It had been several months since the incident. He had raced into the room to see the Doctor lying unconscious on the floor of the TARDIS and Bill had no idea of what was going on or what might have triggered it. All they knew was that it was something to do with that blackboard that the Doctor wrote on from time to time. Clara. Whoever this woman was, the effect she had on him was astounding. When pressed for more information, both about the woman and the incident, the Doctor refused to talk about it. He would flap his hands at his companions in dismissal, scurrying away into the corridors of the TARDIS as if he could run from his problems. It wasn't a bad hypothesis, considering that running was what the Doctor had been doing all his life. After several attempts, Bill and Nardole had given up pressing the Time Lord for any further information. All they knew was that this woman meant a lot to the Doctor, he couldn't remember her and she was no longer with him for some reason. 

 

The Doctor moved slowly as if he was afraid of what he was walking towards. He recognised the cosmetics that sat on a table near his chest of drawers, where he kept the dream state patches. He hadn't used one of them in a long time. Every time he attempted to, he was overwhelmed with grief and sorrow for no reason. Instead, he meditated using his guitar - using music to guide himself through his thoughts, like a captain on a ship that fought against the storm of negativity inside his head. There was a lot of noise in there. Too many waves rising and crashing for him to ever cope with. The music provided him with a way of parting the ocean, allowing him to traverse the waves without drowning in grief and loss. He slowed to a halt and stared at the various makeup utensils that were scattered across the table, a flash of recognition darting through his mind. Running his slender fingers over the utensils, he could feel an ache inside his mind, as if something was trying to fight its way to the surface. His eyebrows crinkled as he struggled to bring the memory to the surface, the ache morphing from a slight throbbing to a sharp agony that caused tears to well up in the corner of his eyes. Gasping in pain, he stepped away from the makeup. He walked away from it quickly, the pain reducing with every step he took away from it. Damn memory block. He'd experienced extreme pain many times in his long lifespan but something about the effect of the memory block seemed to wound him even more. It didn't just hurt his body, it cut into his very soul and way of being, chipping at what remaining resolve he had left.

 

_"Sir? Are you alright? You look... rattled."_

 

Looking over to Nardole, the Doctor gave him a smile and skipped down the stairs towards his beloved console. To any normal observer, he seemed perfectly fine. However, to those that knew him so incredibly well, he was not alright. The bags under his eyes from not sleeping were heavy and dark, his hair was more of a curly mess than usual and his eyes refused to stay still. His movements were sporadic and hyperactive as if the Toclafane were shooting the ground by his feet. Grief was etched in the lines on his face as if he had lost the most important thing in the entire universe but couldn't remember what it was that he had lost. Punching in the coordinates to take Bill back to her date, the Doctor refused to meet Nardole's stare. As the TARDIS materialised outside of the restaurant that Jennifer waited inside, Bill emerged from the corridors - holding two jackets in her hands. Her hair was still a bit damp from the shower she had taken but thankfully the ship had provided her with all she needed to make herself look presentable. Even her face was coloured in again. 

 

_"Doctor, which one do you think suits me better? This one? Or this one?"_

 

The Doctor looked over to Bill to make some sort of snarky remark but was stopped dead when he saw what she was holding. In one hand was a denim jacket that was remarkably similar to her old one whilst in the other hand was a leather jacket. Whilst the denim jacket was almost brand new, the leather jacket was dusty and had specks of some sort of black goo on it. The leather jacket looked so wrong in Bill's hands as if it was never meant to be worn by anyone else apart from its original owner. Striding over to her side, he took the leather jacket from her hands and gestured for her to put on the denim jacket instead, every cell in his body screaming for him to hold the jacket close and to never let it go.

 

_"Jennifer is waiting for you, Bill. Nardole, I'll meet you at the University. I won't go off planet. I need to meditate and I know how much the guitar annoys you. I'll see you both in a bit. Now go. I need people to shut up."_

 

Nardole went to object but Bill shoved him out of the TARDIS first, shooting the Doctor a smile of thanks and closing the door - her mind on the girl that was waiting for her in the restaurant rather than on her strange alien tutor.  Hitting a button on the TARDIS, the doors locked and he was alone. Silence fell across the spaceship as his beloved time machine quietened herself so that her Doctor could hear himself think. Muttering a word of thanks, he hugged the jacket to his chest and allowed the tidal waves to engulf him. Grief and loss, pain and suffering, fear and joy. All these emotions overwhelmed him as he tried to understand what was happening to him. He knew she had meant a lot to him. However, being unable to remember her meant that there was no way real way for him to track her down. He had no closure. All he had was a series of notes on a blackboard, the hazy memory of a waitress in a diner and the jacket that he clung to like a toddler clings to their teddy bear. Sinking to his knees, the Doctor buried his face in the leather and breathed in its scent, catching hints of perfume and the overwhelming smell of fear - clearly this had been worn in a time of great terror. The ache in his head returned and he let the tears flow freely from his eyes, enduring the pain to spend a few more moments in the comfort that the jacket provided him with. He felt at home. He belonged with her. He knew that much. That was one fact that he was not going to forget. Ignoring the stabbing agony behind his eyes, the Doctor moved position so that the jacket sat on his knees. Closing his eyes, he rested his head on the jacket and allowed his mind to take him away from the pain - not wanting to lose himself again. Not that he had a chance of finding her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Got plans to keep this train going, this will all make sense in time :)


	3. The Hole It Left

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "When something goes missing you can always find it by recreating the hole it left behind."
> 
> These words have gone from passing wisdom to The Doctor's mantra. After suffering under the influence of the monks for six months and nearly losing those close to him yet again, The Doctor realised that he needed to take matters into his own hand. He needed answers and he had a lead of where to start finding them.
> 
> Starting with a certain immortal woman he had left behind.

_"Doctor? Can I ask you something?"_

 

The Doctor looked up from his book, seeing Bill lurking next to the console - a determined expression on her face. Closing the pages, he stood up and walked towards her. It had been a few days since they had managed to overthrow the Monks, a traumatic time for all three of the TARDIS trio. Bill still hadn't entirely forgiven Nardole and The Doctor for testing her onboard the ship but she understood their reasons, she just wasn't happy about it. He had promised to make it up to her by taking her wherever she pleased - entirely her choice, no monsters. He was hoping to take her to Akhaten, the marketplace there was incredible and he had fond memories of it. Wait. Why were they fond memories? Focusing, he attempted to delve into his memories to find out why but he was faced with that infernal brick wall. Clara. It was Clara again. Dammit.

 

Shaking his head, he stored that piece of information away to deal with later. Bill was his focus right now. He could come back to Clara later, he always came back to her. Leaning against the console with one hand, he glanced at the screen to check they were safe before facing Bill and gesturing for her to speak. She rubbed the back of her neck, hopping from foot to foot as if there were ants crawling up her legs. That was her nervous face, at least that was what he thought it was. Nervous or being electrocuted. 

 

_"What did you mean, by what you said the other day?"_

 

His eyebrows pulled together, confused by her statement. He talks a lot. It was the one thing his enemies consistently agreed upon was that he talked too much.

 

_"I say a lot of things Bill, you are going to have to be more specific. In fact, talking quickly until something good happens then taking the credit is kind of my go to plan."_

 

Smirking at his quick wit, she elaborated - unable to meet his gaze as she rushed to get her words out.

 

_"You said that in billions of people, there are people like me. Did you mean anything by that or were you just trying to flatter me?"_

 

Clarity dawned and he gave her a knowing smile - taking a moment to try and process his thoughts into words. He remembered exactly why he said those words to her but they held a much deeper meaning than even he could properly understand.

 

_"I've lived countless lives and met thousands of species from every corner of the universe. Every time period, every planet, every single individual - I guarantee that I have probably touched their lives in some way, through something I did in their past or something I will do in their future. However, I have a soft spot for Earth. You humans, you strive to improve and make innovations. I've watched you develop from banging rocks together in caves to creating galactic empires, from dealing with tragedies to overthrowing dictators with nothing but a word. Although I have met thousands of pudding brains who were mostly wastes of oxygen, every so often I come across an individual who has so much potential. People like you. Kind, funny, determined, strong-willed and brave. Always brave. I teach you about the universe and you teach me about how the inhabitants of these amazing places actually work. Missy is one of the few people in this universe that is similar to me. As much as I hate it, I can understand her. I can't truly understand anyone else. You can. That's one of the things about humanity that I adore. You have the capabilities to understand species and their dilemmas, despite never experiencing anything similar to them. I may have two hearts but you use yours in a much deeper way than I do."_

 

Bill stared at him, shock plastered across her face. She had been expecting some simple answer about maybe she was just in the right place at the right time or how he just found her interesting. Not a speech about the capabilities of humanity as a species. Part of her wished that she could make speeches like that, just because it could be really useful on dates. Considering her last date hadn't gone so well, it would be helpful. The Doctor looked away from her, not wanting to be rude and stare at her. Fiddling with the controls of the TARDIS, he punched in the coordinates of Bill's flat and pulled the lever - finding comfort in the engines roaring to life.

 

_"Doctor. Can I ask another question?"_

 

Bill had moved closer to him, her arms folded. Normally, he loved her curiosity and thirst to understand the universe but right now, he just wanted to take a break. Six months under the yoke of the Monks had been incredibly draining, the constant propaganda and mind games that he had to put up with taking its toll on his spirit. However, he wasn't one to deny his companion the chance to learn. So he nodded and waited for her to speak.

 

_"I know it's a sensitive topic but I have to ask. You've told me about River, Amy, Rose, Martha, Donna, Susan, Sarah Jane and countless other companions that you've had in your incredibly long lifespan but you never talk about Clara. What was she like? Why don't you talk about her?"_

Why didn't he talk about her? It was a good question. You'd think that if you were trying to remember everything you could about someone you had lost, you would be talking about them every second of every day in case something came back to you. So why did he avoid the topic as if it was some plague? She had been anything but the plague. She had been his light, his salvation, his proof that he could be a good man. He was a good man because that was what she wanted him to be. Even as a waitress pretending not to know him, she still believed in him. Her words rang through clear as day:

 

_"You killed a man. You don't seem the type."_

 

 

She must've known about everything he did, the people and planets he let burn because of his mistakes. Was she there the day he burned his own people? No. He saved them. He saved them because of her! Did he? The clouds and walls that blocked him from the truth were slowly driving him crazy. Being stuck in this constant state of uncertainty, both knowing and not knowing was chipping away at his patience. Clearly, he had blocked her memories for a good reason - he wouldn't have done it otherwise. Yet, why would he not do it completely? Why would he deliberately put himself in this state of frustration and longing? Focusing, he tried to bypass one of the blocks in his mind, desperate for any tidbit of information that could explain what happened that day. It didn't work.

 

Pain exploded in his hearts, their normally calm rhythm pounding faster and faster with each second that ticked by. The fire seared through his veins, setting his whole body ablaze with agony. That agony was made up of two emotions, grief and anger, of that he was quite certain. Doubling over, he sucked oxygen into his lungs, desperate for some relief from the pain. A grunt of pain escaped him and Bill moved closer to him in fear, terrified that she had caused some sort of heart attack. He waved her away, needing a few minutes to recover. Over time, he had gotten better at controlling the effect the neural block could have on him but it sometimes surprised him by causing him harm in areas other than the brain. Time passed and he could stand again, the storm calm once more. Choosing his words carefully to avoid a similar attack, he tried to explain to Bill as best as he could.

 

_"Like you, she was brilliant. Funny, pretty, witty and kind. Headstrong and stubborn, a bit of a control freak. Well, not a bit, a complete control freak. I can't remember much about her. The main thing I remember is that she was brave. Braver than me anyways. I know we sat in the Cloisters on Gallifrey and she told me something incredibly important but I can't remember it. She meant so much to me. I can't really put into words how much she meant to me because I can't actually remember. All I know is that the hole she left in my life is huge and crippling. If I could recall it all, I think the sheer impact of her loss would cripple me. Clara. My Clara. I don't talk about her because whenever I try to, the neural block I used to block the memories in the first place inflicts pain on me."_

 

Bill watched him speak, looking at her friend in a new light. The look in his eyes as he spoke about her, was one that was very familiar to her. It was the same one she had seen shared between the couples in her life and one that she had worn many a time when crushing on various girls like Penny and Jennifer. However, there was something more powerful about his. The intensity of it had been increased tenfold, to the point where it was clear that the love he felt towards this 'Clara', was stronger than anything she had seen before. Maybe love was more powerful in Time Lords? If this was how he felt towards this woman when he could barely remember her, then Bill could only imagine how strong it would be when he remembered her. 

 

_"So, you clearly love this girl. Don't you deny it Mr Time Lord Who Feels No Emotion! It's written all over your face. If you love her so much, why don't you chase her? Try to find her again, maybe that'll break you out of this neural block thing."_

 

A bitter laugh was all The Doctor could muster in response. He couldn't remember her, how could he chase after her? It'd be like chasing a ghost, one that was always several steps ahead of him. For all he knew, it could break him all over again. He shook his head and walked down towards the exit of the console room, planning on escaping to the library but Bill followed him, desperate to get her point across.

 

_"You told me once that if you forget something, it can be rebuilt by the hole that it left behind. So why aren't you doing that? What is it that you are so afraid of? Loss and love is a part of life Doctor, take a chance. You told me to try with Penny even though she is way out of my league. I'm telling you, chase after this girl. Be happy. God knows you've earned it more than most."_

 

Sighing, he attempted to play along with Bill's little scheme - part of him hoping that she would then drop the subject but another part of him hoping that she could come up with something that he hadn't already thought of, that she could give him the hope that he had lost all those years ago.

 

_"What do you suggest Miss Potts? Hire a private detective?  Join some space pirate gang and hunt across the universe for her? Cross my fingers and wish really hard that my memories will come back?"_

 

A withering look was all he got in response to his sarcastic comments and he quirked an eyebrow at her as he waited for some genius response.

 

_"How about this smart guy, retrace your steps. In what you can remember of her, is there any event or person that is clearer than the others. Start there. Maybe they'll give you the clues you need to find this Clara. You better hope she isn't cute though because otherwise, I might have to claim her for myself."_

 

Rolling his eyes at her cheek, he wracked his brain in search of a common thread that he could use as a starting point. Pain pricked at the corner of his eyes but he gritted his teeth and bore it, hunting high and low in the crumbling remains of his memory in search of something, anything that could be helpful. There! A face flashed before his eyes, along with a name. Several names. Ashildr or Me, was that what she was called? Who called themselves Me? He had made her immortal after a battle with the Mire. The day he remembered why he had chosen that face. One of the many days that he had almost lost her. Reckless! That was the other word to describe what she had become. Like him.

 

_"Bill you are a genius! I would kiss you but that'd be weird for both us. Ashildr, she was a girl I saved and accidentally made immortal but that's a tale for another day. She might've come across Clara since she's lived so long. Heck, she's older than I am. Hopefully, she remembers or has at least written down their last encounter in one of those books of hers. Come on Bill, we've got a lead! No time to waste, back to the console!"_

 

Bill had never seen him move so quickly and she had watched him run away from Dalek's. Her assumption that Clara meant a lot to him was being proven 100% correct with each action he performed. He ran back to the console and plunged his fingers into the telepathic interface - focusing on that face, Ashildr's face. She had promised to take care of those that he had left behind, to act as the guardian of those he abandoned. It was time to see if she lived up to that promise. The engines whirred faster than usual, clearly, the TARDIS had picked up on his excitement or maybe she knew what he was searching for - after all, the machine remembered Clara and her importance to her Doctor's life. Soon, they landed on an unknown planet in an unknown time period and The Doctor raced out of the time machine, not even bothering to check where they were. Bill followed him more cautiously, following him to the top of a purple hill. She dodged past hissing plants and strange animals with three tails, jogging to keep up with The Doctor's pace. The infamous penguin with its arse on fire run was back and it still made her smile, even considering the strangeness of the situation. 

 

They reached the top of the hill to find a woman sitting under a shimmering orange tree. She was sat on a traditional picnic blanket from London, so clearly she had been to Earth before. A smile of satisfaction crept across The Doctor's face as he and the woman made eye contact, greeting her:

 

_"Good to see you here Lady Me. Clearly, you made it off Earth."_

 

The woman, Lady Me smirked at him, brushing a loose strand of hair behind her ear and replying in a smug tone:

 

_"Doctor. Glad you decided to drop by. You brought your new companion as well! Bill, was it? Sorry, we haven't been introduced. I've been too busy getting off of Earth after several millennia there."_

 

Bill was too shocked that Me knew her name to really focus on how The Doctor was reacting to the immortal's words. Jaw clenched and fists bunched, The Doctor pushed past the screaming pain in his head to voice four simple words.

 

_"Tell me about Clara."_

 

 

 


	4. Question Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes what is said reveals a lot less than what is left unsaid.
> 
> The Doctor and Ashildr, or Me as she prefers to be known, sits on a purple mountain on an alien planet with Bill. The Doctor wants answers but Ashildr is not willing to give all of them. But why?
> 
> What is she hiding?

_(Dedicated to Rachel, who fears my angsty wrath)_

 

_"Please Ashildr, tell me what you know."_

 

Bill sat on the hill, running her fingers through the pinkish grass and staring at the sky - enjoying the view of the several moons, rather than the view of two bickering immortals. They had been stuck on this planet for several days now, attempting to get information out of Ashildr. So far, the woman had said less than a hundred words. She had spent most of the time smirking at The Doctor and not answering his questions or giving one-word answers. To say he was getting frustrated was an understatement. He had tried every tactic in the book, from begging to shouting yet none of them had managed to crack the immortal even slightly. Turning back towards the pair, Bill tried to see past the walls they were both putting up. They both knew that the other was holding something back so neither of them gave anything away. It was infuriating to watch. 

 

Ashildr or Me, as she had insisted on being called, sat perfectly still. One leg on top of the other and her hands clasped in her lap as if she was a lady from Pride and Prejudice. Her hair was loose, resting on her shoulders and her eyes shone with an emotion that Bill couldn't quite decipher. Smugness? No, that wasn't it. She seemed... all knowing for lack of a better word. Yes, that was it. Ashildr watched the Doctor with the look of someone who knew exactly what he was going to say. It was so obvious yet he didn't seem to see it. He was so fixated on getting answers from this woman that he didn't see that he was being played like a puppet on a string.

 

_"No."_

 

Every time Ashildr said no to him, his fists clenched tighter. After several days of constant rejection, his knuckles strained to break out from under his skin. His jaw clenched, the dark storm that Bill so rarely saw threatening to make an appearance. The fury seeped into his tone, the words he spoke being less important than those he hadn't dare voice.

 

_"Come on Ashildr! You swore that you would take care of all those that I left behind. That includes Clara! Now I am trying to make up for leaving her behind and you are refusing to help me. Why won't you just tell me?"_

 

A flicker of anger crossed Ashildr's poker face - breaking the illusion that she was some cold, heartless woman. Despite all she had been through, she was still human at heart. She had loved and lost and clearly, the Doctor had influenced her life more than he was willing to admit. Bill didn't know much about Ashildr, only snippets gathered from the Doctor's ramblings or from various notes scribbled down on blackboards in the TARDIS. The immortal responded to him with a tone as cold as the ice of the frozen Thames:

 

_"Clara died on Trap Street Doctor. She died for who she was and who she loved. Yet you couldn't respect that. You dragged her back into this universe and now she lives, travelling the universe, one heartbeat away from death at all times, with the constant knowledge that she has to die eventually. I helped hundreds of people who you left behind but I couldn't help her._

 

_I fear if I let you near her again then you'll break her entirely. That's what you do Doctor, you give people hope and then you swan off in your spaceship, leaving them to crumble to pieces without you."_

 

The Doctor stared at her, his anger fading into shock and confusion. Sure, he had run into Ashildr before on his many adventures around time and space but she was never this... bitter. He had no idea how long it had been since they had seen each other last, timelines were confusing and he often lost track of what day it was. What could've happened to her in that time? Eyebrows knitting together as his mind raced, he tried to think of something to say in return. How could he justify himself to her? What could he say that would get her to just talk to him?

 

  _"I need to know. I need to see her. You've loved and you've lost people, just like I have - surely you would do anything in order to see them again. Please, just tell me what you know."_

 

The immortal stared at him for a moment, weighing his words carefully. She knew he was deliberately tugging at her heartstrings, trying to sway her to his side but he didn't really care. Her stubbornness was beginning to remind him of exactly why he had avoided her for decades. They both hadn't forgotten the last words he had said to her all those years ago on Trap Street.

 

**_"You'll find that it's a very small universe  when I'm angry with you."_ **

 

Those words had haunted Ashildr throughout her terrifyingly long lifespan. They had tainted her mind with fear and caused her to look over her shoulder at every turn - petrified that he would be standing there, watching her with those blazing eyes. She wasn't sure whether that was who was talking to her. Was the Doctor searching for Clara or was it whatever was left behind when he went too far? Biting the inside of her cheek, the immortal tried to keep control of the situation, not wanting the Doctor to know that he was having an impact on her. He was such a good man. At least he was back when Ashildr knew him. Was he still a good man? Her gaze flickered over to Bill, who was observing the pair of them closely. The Doctor trusted his companion enough to talk to her about Clara and it was clear that Bill trusted him in return. Despite knowing very little about the woman, Ashildr could see that the pair of adventurers had been through a lot together. 

 

Bill met Ashildr's gaze, challenging the immortal for a moment - the inexperienced versus the experienced. Bill was still young, her exposure to the time vortex was still fresh but her eyes were older than her body. Despite only travelling with the Time Lord for a short while, maybe a year at most, she had experienced some pretty heavy experiences. Over the centuries, Ashildr had become very good at reading faces. It became second nature after the first couple centuries of watching people lie right to her face. She decided not to pry too deeply into Bill's past after all the young woman was only here because of the Doctor. Bill, however, had no such qualms about trying to read Ashildr. Though she lacked the centuries of experience that the immortal had, Bill had spent a lifetime being brushed aside by the world - constantly on the outside looking in. Nobody would give her a chance. Until the Doctor entered her life, she was stuck in a university kitchen making chips. When Bill looked at Ashildr, she saw a woman defending someone she loved. Whoever this Clara woman was, Ashildr knew her well, more than she was letting on. It was clear to Bill that the conversation would continue for months if she didn't intervene, so she voiced her conclusions - much to the fury of the immortal.

 

_"This Clara. You know her, don't you? You've met her. I'd dare to say that you've travelled with her, at least for a time. Why else would you be defending her?  You're clearly a smart woman, you wouldn't drag out a conversation for this long unless you were trying to seize us up. If you knew nothing then you'd just say you knew nothing. If you knew a small bit of information, you'd hand it over and saunter off. You are acting more like a lioness defending her young than some cold-hearted immortal. Please, just tell us something. Anything that can get us on the right track. He needs her. I know you've seen it in the past when she died on Trap Street and I know you've seen it on his face these past few days. He loves her. I know you want to protect her but please, help him."_

 

The immortal stared at Bill with shock and awe. The Doctor had always talked about how marvellous human beings could be if their potential was nurtured but she never truly believed it, despite spending centuries living among them. Yet Bill had seen through her walls and facades, to the truth that she held so close to her chest. The companion's words were more influential on Ashildr than anything the Doctor had said in the past few days. Ashildr could see why the Doctor was so fond of Bill. Sighing, Ashildr decided to relinquish some information. Since the Doctor could not remember Clara, she might as well fill him on some of the memories that he had lost. She owed him that much.

 

_"Clara died on Trap Street to a Quantum Shade in a trap set up by the Time Lords. It was a trap aimed at you, Doctor. Nobody was supposed to die. You were supposed to solve the mystery I had set up, save the day and then be transported away. The Time Lords wanted information from you. Information about the Hybrid."_

 

Images flashed before the Doctor's eyes as Ashildr spoke, visions of a wall made of Azbantium. His hand throbbed with phantom pain, his cries of pain and the sounds of his fist impacting the wall echoing through his head. The pain from the neural block throbbed at the back of his mind, an ignorable pain, for now. He could see... a castle. Doors with numbers on them. Something about a bird? The more he focused on bringing the images into focus, the sharper the pain grew until it was causing his ears to ring and blood to trickle out of his nose. Bill scrambled to her feet and moved to his side, keeping him upright. Holding tight to the fresh memories, he gestured for Ashildr to keep talking - not wanting to waste any second.

 

_"I don't know what they did to you or where you went. They didn't tell me that. All I know is that the next time I saw you, we sat at the end of the universe and discussed the true meaning of The Hybrid. At first, you accused me, after all, I am both human and Mire. I then accused you in return, after all, you do spend a lot of time on Earth. When you denied it, I found the truth. You and Clara. The pair of you were The Hybrid. So similar. In fact over the years, she had become more and more like you as time went on, am I right? She got reckless and she died on Trap Street. Your solution to your little problem was to erase her memories. To remove every last trace of you, to remove years of her life to keep her safe. Yet your similarities butchered the situation and you ended up losing your memories. She's now flying around the universe in a stolen TARDIS, eventually going back to Gallifrey to die."_

 

Silence fell. The Doctor stared at Ashildr, hope and sorrow warring in his ancient eyes. His eyebrows creased together, pain and processing fighting for control of his mind. He nodded to Ashildr in thanks, indicating to the immortal that he was satisfied with what she had given him. At least for now. They all knew that he'd come back, seeking more answers and more information. He hungered for it. The Time Lord hated not knowing, hated not being in control of a situation. Ashildr could give him that control but not yet. Not yet.

 

_"Go back to guarding your vault Doctor. The path you must take to find her will become clear in time."_

 

With those haunting words, Bill and the Doctor returned to the TARDIS and flew back to Earth. Ashildr stood up from under her tree and walked down the other side of the hill, heading for a familiar American Diner that sat at the bottom...

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the support on this story, you're all amazing. Sorry for the slow updates but the plot takes time I'm afraid. Next chapter we will mix things up a bit ;)

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you all enjoyed part one, I will continue this! Let me know if you liked it :D


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